"Holy cow"? It's a long time since I've heard that phrase!!
Arrrggh I did it again.
Post your jokes here!
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Please don't discuss puzzles in here! Thank you.
Please don't discuss puzzles in here! Thank you.
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Bunnylump
- Granny Boingybott
- Posts: 24863
- Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2008 9:10 pm
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- Location: Treacle Bumstead
Re: Post your jokes here!
Oh very good.
"Holy cow"? It's a long time since I've heard that phrase!!
Arrrggh I did it again.
"Holy cow"? It's a long time since I've heard that phrase!!
Arrrggh I did it again.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
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tricia
- Posts: 1817
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 11:05 am
- Currently reading: The secret life of Bletchley Park Sincla
- Location: CLYDEBANK SCOTLAND
Re: Post your jokes here!
This was in my in box when I returtned to work today
A liitle girl is attending a wedding in chuch and asks Mummy" Why is the bride in white ?" Her Mummy replies - white is the colur of happiness that is why the bride is wearing white because it is the happiest day of her life!
The little girl thought about it for a while and then asked But why is the groom wearing black!
Tricia
A liitle girl is attending a wedding in chuch and asks Mummy" Why is the bride in white ?" Her Mummy replies - white is the colur of happiness that is why the bride is wearing white because it is the happiest day of her life!
The little girl thought about it for a while and then asked But why is the groom wearing black!
Tricia
Curiosity killed the cat But satisfaction revived it!!
Those who ask can be helped
Those who ask can be helped
Re: Post your jokes here!
Maybe I'm a bit slow.... but I've just spotted the the implications of this one, if you take the more usual interpretation of the "bride in white" as "virginal"tricia wrote: But why is the groom wearing black!
Not, of course that this has much relevance these days for either party!!
Re: Post your jokes here!
This may be a bit of an oldie for some, but for those who haven't seen it before, here goes:
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
Re: Post your jokes here!
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER FOR MY EDUCATION
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
We don't stop laughing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop laughing!
Re: Post your jokes here!
Not exactly rip-roaring funny but worth a wry smile
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE IS A SMART WOMAN
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE IS A SMART WOMAN
There's no point in having a last minute if you don't use it!
Re: Post your jokes here!
Three mischievous old Grandmas were
sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out
saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how
old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you
can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure
we can! Just drop your trousers and
underpants and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious
to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped
his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn
around a couple of times and to jump
up and down several times. Then they
all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years
old!'
Standing with his pants down around
his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from
ear to ear, the three old ladies happily
yelled in unison - - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
I hope I haven't offended anyone with this but as my mother in law has dementia some times if you don't laugh about it you'll cry.
sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out
saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how
old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you
can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure
we can! Just drop your trousers and
underpants and we can tell your
exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious
to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped
his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn
around a couple of times and to jump
up and down several times. Then they
all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years
old!'
Standing with his pants down around
his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from
ear to ear, the three old ladies happily
yelled in unison - - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
I hope I haven't offended anyone with this but as my mother in law has dementia some times if you don't laugh about it you'll cry.
We don't stop laughing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop laughing!
-
Bunnylump
- Granny Boingybott
- Posts: 24863
- Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2008 9:10 pm
- Currently reading: Go Set a Watchman
- Location: Treacle Bumstead
Re: Post your jokes here!
I got this from Brian, and (despite the language - advisory - last line) it really made me laugh.
How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday
School class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
Car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
Money to the church, would that get me
Into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
The garden and kept everything tidy, would
That get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
Gave sweeties to all the children, and
Loved my husband, would that get me
Into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted,
"Yuv goat tae be fukin' deid"
How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday
School class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
Car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
Money to the church, would that get me
Into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
The garden and kept everything tidy, would
That get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
Gave sweeties to all the children, and
Loved my husband, would that get me
Into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted,
"Yuv goat tae be fukin' deid"
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
Re: Post your jokes here!
ive just been offered 8 legs if venison for xmas for £150
do you think thats two deer?
do you think thats two deer?
There are 10 kinds of people in the world
Those who understand binary, and those that don't.
DVP anon member........errr what was it again.....
Those who understand binary, and those that don't.
DVP anon member........errr what was it again.....
Re: Post your jokes here!
Well it's the lower end of too dear!
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Cenwulf
- The Complete Fool
- Posts: 1350
- Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:17 pm
- Currently reading: Schott's Miscellanies
- Location: South Wessex
Re: Post your jokes here!
GETTING YOUR FIVE A DAY
With the new year, a lot of people will have resolved to try a healthier diet. As such, they will be trying to get their 'five a day' in fruit and vegetables.
The following list gives fruit portions that count as one of your 'five a day'.
1 apple; 1 pear; 1 medium orange; 1 banana; 1 peach or nectarine; 2 apricots; 2 tangerines; 2 plums; 2 kiwi fruit; 3 prunes; 1 slice of melon; 100g grapes; 100g fresh berry fruits (strawberries, blueberries, cherries, blackcurrants, etc); 150g dried fruit; 150g nuts; 100ml fresh fruit juice.
However, we must mention the following:
A chocolate orange does NOT count as a fruit portion.
Fruit coated in chocolate only counts as half the equivalent of uncoated, and fruit and nuts embedded in chocolate don't count at all.
Though chocolate is a vegetable product, 100g of dark chocolate counts only as one quarter of a portion, and 100g milk chocolate as one tenth.
Anything merely flavoured with fruit does NOT count.
100ml of tonic water counts as one quarter of a portion, though only if neat - i.e. without gin, vodka or other spirits.
A slice of lemon added to a glass of spirits does NOT count as a fruit portion if it is not eaten.
Fruit juice only counts when it is fresh, NOT fermented; wine, cider, perry, etc do NOT count.
Have a healthy new year.
With the new year, a lot of people will have resolved to try a healthier diet. As such, they will be trying to get their 'five a day' in fruit and vegetables.
The following list gives fruit portions that count as one of your 'five a day'.
1 apple; 1 pear; 1 medium orange; 1 banana; 1 peach or nectarine; 2 apricots; 2 tangerines; 2 plums; 2 kiwi fruit; 3 prunes; 1 slice of melon; 100g grapes; 100g fresh berry fruits (strawberries, blueberries, cherries, blackcurrants, etc); 150g dried fruit; 150g nuts; 100ml fresh fruit juice.
However, we must mention the following:
A chocolate orange does NOT count as a fruit portion.
Fruit coated in chocolate only counts as half the equivalent of uncoated, and fruit and nuts embedded in chocolate don't count at all.
Though chocolate is a vegetable product, 100g of dark chocolate counts only as one quarter of a portion, and 100g milk chocolate as one tenth.
Anything merely flavoured with fruit does NOT count.
100ml of tonic water counts as one quarter of a portion, though only if neat - i.e. without gin, vodka or other spirits.
A slice of lemon added to a glass of spirits does NOT count as a fruit portion if it is not eaten.
Fruit juice only counts when it is fresh, NOT fermented; wine, cider, perry, etc do NOT count.
Have a healthy new year.
Unfortunately, the number of ways of doing something wrong far exceed the number of ways of doing it right. G. Kasparov
16000 - 30/03/2017
neves-ytnewt rebmun rebmem suomynona srelzzup
16000 - 30/03/2017
neves-ytnewt rebmun rebmem suomynona srelzzup
Re: Post your jokes here!
Brilliant! So fifty Mars Bars a day is perfect. That's reassuring.Cenwulf wrote:Though chocolate is a vegetable product, 100g of dark chocolate counts only as one quarter of a portion, and 100g milk chocolate as one tenth.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
All of my puzzles are simple and obvious. For certain values of "simple" and "obvious".
All of my puzzles are simple and obvious. For certain values of "simple" and "obvious".
-
Bunnylump
- Granny Boingybott
- Posts: 24863
- Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2008 9:10 pm
- Currently reading: Go Set a Watchman
- Location: Treacle Bumstead
Re: Post your jokes here!
Cenwulf, I think you might have just made my day...You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
-
Cenwulf
- The Complete Fool
- Posts: 1350
- Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:17 pm
- Currently reading: Schott's Miscellanies
- Location: South Wessex
Re: Post your jokes here!
But a Mars bar is only about 10g of chocolate - the rest is the filling.Scurra wrote:Brilliant! So fifty Mars Bars a day is perfect. That's reassuring.Cenwulf wrote:Though chocolate is a vegetable product, 100g of dark chocolate counts only as one quarter of a portion, and 100g milk chocolate as one tenth.
Unfortunately, the number of ways of doing something wrong far exceed the number of ways of doing it right. G. Kasparov
16000 - 30/03/2017
neves-ytnewt rebmun rebmem suomynona srelzzup
16000 - 30/03/2017
neves-ytnewt rebmun rebmem suomynona srelzzup
Re: Post your jokes here!
hmmm and a portion og our five a day yummywiki wrote:While chocolate is regularly eaten for pleasure, there are potential beneficial health effects of eating chocolate. Cocoa or dark chocolate benefits the circulatory system. Other beneficial effects suggested include anticancer, brain stimulator, cough preventor and antidiarrhoeal effects. An aphrodisiac effect is yet unproven.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world
Those who understand binary, and those that don't.
DVP anon member........errr what was it again.....
Those who understand binary, and those that don't.
DVP anon member........errr what was it again.....
-
Bunnylump
- Granny Boingybott
- Posts: 24863
- Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2008 9:10 pm
- Currently reading: Go Set a Watchman
- Location: Treacle Bumstead
Re: Post your jokes here!
Are you participating in the aphrodisiac investigation by eating 5 portions of chocolate a day then? That sounds like a plan.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
Re: Post your jokes here!
So, by my calculations, if you have 400g of dark fruit and nut chocolate (Why does that not exist?), the you get one portion of fruit/veg from the chocolate, a portion from the fruit, and if you wash it down with a G&T and eat the lemon, then you get bonus points for the lemon and the tonic water! Result!!!!Cenwulf wrote: Fruit coated in chocolate only counts as half the equivalent of uncoated, and fruit and nuts embedded in chocolate don't count at all.
Though chocolate is a vegetable product, 100g of dark chocolate counts only as one quarter of a portion, and 100g milk chocolate as one tenth.
A slice of lemon added to a glass of spirits does NOT count as a fruit portion if it is not eaten.
-
Bunnylump
- Granny Boingybott
- Posts: 24863
- Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2008 9:10 pm
- Currently reading: Go Set a Watchman
- Location: Treacle Bumstead
Re: Post your jokes here!
Well there's my diet plan sorted then. Excellent. Yes, why doesn't dark fruit and nut chocolate exist? That sounds fab. I do know Green and Blacks do a bitter chocolate with ginger. That is yummy. And ginger is good for your circulation and your joints too! 
Yes, why doesn't dark fruit and nut chocolate exist? That sounds fab. I do know Green and Blacks do a bitter chocolate with ginger. That is yummy. And ginger is good for your circulation and your joints too! You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
Re: Post your jokes here!
Lindt do a dark choc with hazelnuts which is scrummy
We don't stop laughing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop laughing!
-
Bunnylump
- Granny Boingybott
- Posts: 24863
- Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2008 9:10 pm
- Currently reading: Go Set a Watchman
- Location: Treacle Bumstead
Re: Post your jokes here!
What kind of cheese would you use to hide a horse?
Mascapone
What kind of cheese would you use to entice a bear down a mountain?
Camembert
Mascapone
What kind of cheese would you use to entice a bear down a mountain?
Camembert
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”
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