Post your jokes here!

[Bunnylump]

I'm in need of cheering up. So I thought I'd start one of these up.

I quite liked this one...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says: 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

[Scurra]

So there's a man in hospital, and the Doctor comes by.
"Well Mr Jones, I have the results of your tests here."
"How bad is it, doctor?"
"I'm afraid you haven't got long to live."
"Please tell me how long."
"Ten."
"Ten?! Ten what? Ten years? Ten months? Ten days?"
"...Nine."



(p.s. I'm going to stick my moderator's hat on here. No posts just consisting of smileys! You must post an actual joke )

[kathlyn]

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweet. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Happy gardening

[MBH]

I surprised the Radio Newcastle announcer with a clean joke that's also funny. Not sure if it works written down (rather than said out loud).



I was walking down the street and heard a busker playing "Dancing Queen" on a digeridoo. I thought to myself "That's Abariginal". (sic - of course)

[SparkOut]

That one just has to be said in a Tommy Cooper voice!

[Looby]

Saw one in the Readers Digest today. Something like...

Don't know why there's such a fuss about genetically modified foods.
I had a really nice leg of salmon yesterday.

[supersleuth]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

(Specially for Looby)

[redjimmy]

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a condom. The receptionist asks,"Shall I put them on your bill?"

Don’t be thupid I’d thufficate

[Scurra]

...that reminds me...

The Thunder God went for a ride
Upon his favourite filly.
"I'm Thor!" he cried.
The horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly."

[Bunnylump]

I know I'm not allowed to put rows of but thank you. This is definitely helping. Smiled for the first time today!!

[supersleuth]

How about

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

[supersleuth]

And, lest I should be thought sexist (he! he!)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[maisie ladybird]

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE THOUGHTS OR POWER OF A WOMAN!!
CURTAIN RODS ---

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had t o move out for a few days, and in the end th ey even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
When the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....
.. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!

[LAT]

Oh I love it

Also loved the lottery win one Supersleuth. Even my OH laughed at that!

[Bunnylump]

Oh marvellous! How wonderfully vindictive!!

I'd probably do something like that. So my OH had better be nice to me!! I loved Supersleuth's ones too.

Mind you, my Dad tells a story about when he went to a friend's wedding. Someone thought it would be an amusing jape to put a kipper on top of the car engine. The smell got worse and worse as they drove off on their honeymoon. Eventually, they decided they couldn't stand it any longer and the car must have a problem with the clutch. so the groom opened the bonnet, saw the fish, picked it up without thinking (OBVIOUSLY steaming hot), burned his fingers and threw the fish away from him. Unfortunately the fish landed on the top of the bride's brand new and very expensive hat!! They had their first marital row there and then and spent the night with him sleeping on the floor!!

[gill216]

A deviation from a joke (sorry Scurra- but they are funny )

The ex goes on holiday and the other ex still has keys to the house so she scatters grass seed on the carpets
and waters it.

The following two have actually been used by 2 of my friends. I have no idea if they dreamt them up themselves or just used them.

Friend 1 lived a seperate life from her cheating husband but remained in the same house - she actually put up with this situation for almost 30 years - he died young -and he left her one very merry , absolutely loaded, widow. Every day for at least 20 years she'd cleaned the loo with his toothbrush.

Friend 2, with another cheating husband -and also having come to terms with the situation- rubbed raw chili peppers on the inside of every pair of underpants he possessed everytime he got ready to go out. He was scratching before he made the front door.

Sexist- yes.

[clvrlad]

you know on balance i think im lucky to be single........

[supersleuth]

(yes, you probably are clvrlad)

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing

[kathlyn]

Thanks to all of you for the last 6 days of jokes, I've actually laughed for the first time in a week (been looking after aged p while other aged p in hospital and still is).

[MBH]

Glad you're getting a laugh Kathlyn - how about some I.T. classics?


WINDOWS XP ERROR MESSAGES

A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system...

• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

• BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

• Close your eyes and press escape three times.

• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

• Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

• Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"


No doubt there are far more around now for Vista