Post your jokes here!

[kathlyn]

very good MBH thank you

[MBH]

Now THAT's a funny top of page post So much better than any 'jokes' (with the mucky-minded bunch we get in here!)

[MBH]

Here are a couple from the Silver Surfer's Day "Tell us a joke" challenge:

THE EASTER BUNNY
a man and a woman were in a car, and they ran over a bunny, the man got out and ran over to the bunny, but it was dead with grievous damage to its head and legs, “I’ve killed the Easter bunny” the man cried, the woman got out with and an aerosol can and sprayed the bunny which got up and bounded away happily, “how did you do that?” asked the man, the woman showed him the can “hare spray, brings life to damaged hare and repairs broken ends!”



THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed Grandma
Yes, honestly it’s true
She pressed control and enter
And disappeared from view
It devoured her completely
The thought just makes me squirm
She must of caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm
I’ve searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind
I’ve even used the internet
But nothing did I find
In desperation I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found online
So if inside your inbox
My Grandma you should see
Please copy, scan and paste her
And send her back to me

[gill216]

The Three Bears!


A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful
morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.


Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating
my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells,
'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you
idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy
Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the
coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear
who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The
newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the
cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!

[maisie ladybird]

Not really a joke as such, but it made me smile.......

1 Nigella's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips ..
The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Goodness sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

2. Nigella's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

3. Nigella's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way
Tesco sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

4. Nigella's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice..
The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough!. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'

5. Nigella's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

6. Nigella's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it into a big glass of vodka : Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you won't care!

7. Nigella's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?

8. Nigella's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
The Real Woman's Way
Left over wine???? Helllloooo !!!

[Bunnylump]

Made me laugh too. Well, I must say I'd go along with all of them (apart from the celery and the smash) and ESPECIALLY the last one. What? leftover WINE?

[kathlyn]

love the last 3 real women

[clvrlad]

love the last 3 real women

so who are the last 3 real women...

[Bunnylump]

Me, Kathlyn and Maisie, obviously!!

[giraffe]

Leftover wine? Yes, that's the threequarters of a bottle I throw away in August, because a bottle was opened to go with Christmas lunch, and it has been sat in the Kitchen ever since.

[Bunnylump]

And you didn't invite me round to finish for you? What a waste.

[LAT]

That's just what I was thinking. (about me though)

[Redfraggle]

An irishman cleaning his rifle accidentally shot and killed his wife.

Paddy: Operator Ive accidentally shot my wife. Ive killed her!

Operator: Please calm down sir, can you first make sure she is really dead?

CLICK...BANG!!!

Paddy: Ok, done that. What next?

[Cenwulf]

A few news items from The Two Ronnies in the 1970's - but some things don't seem to date...

Here is the news. The Chancellor has announced new plans for shortening the dole queues. He's asking the men to stand closer together.
And the Prime Minister announced today a new plan to ensure we don't all suddenly become poor when we reach sixty - he's going to make sure we're all poor when we reach thirty.
The Prime Minister went on to say that the state of the economy was in no way connected with the arrest this morning on Dover Beach of a large number of illegal immigrants who were trying to leave the country.
The Minister for Education has announced that the state of education in Britain is going from bad to worse. In some areas, a third of the population is unable to write, another third cannot read and the remaining half can't add up.

[giraffe]

Fred comes downstairs one morning to find his dog dead.
He rushes to the vet who says " Fred, your dog is dead". Fred can't believe it and asks for a second opinion.
The vet gets a tabby cat in who sniffs the dogs and says, "This dog is dead".
Fred still can't believe it, so the vet gets a labrador in. The lab sniffs the dog and writes a report stating the dog is dead.
Finally Fred believes it. The vet hands him a bill for £2500.
Fred can't believe that either. THe vet tells him it's £500 for his fee, £1000 for the cat scan and £1000 for the lab report.

[kathlyn]

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert... If you don't use it,
you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The
spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your
answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.










1. What do you put in a toaster?






























Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




2. Say ' silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
























Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is
made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

























Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why
are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided
into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two
engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also
failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine
fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the
middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where
would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's
land'?















Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said,
'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading
, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two
people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16
people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get
on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at
Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!





Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

[Scurra]

Last month, a worldwide opinion survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure, because …

In South America, they didn’t know what “please” meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
In China, they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
In the Middle East, they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
In Africa, they didn’t know what “food” meant.
In Western Europe, they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

[clvrlad]

isnt that political

i liked it though

[Scurra]

Yes. But impartially political

[LAT]

Very good!