Post your jokes here!

[Bunnylump]

Oh yes, I like that one.

I haven't heard a good (postable) joke in ages. I was told one on Friday by my blind friend, which was unfortunately told whilst we were in an Indian restaurant, when he had no idea if the waiters were within earshot (because of the blindness). It was one of those jokes which I generally disapprove of because I 'm not racist, which was actually quite amusing nonetheless BUT ONLY when you're sure there isn't someone who's liable to take huge offence that's about to serve your food (having just spat on it because of what they just heard!!)

And before you start to hate him having never met him, he is perfectly happy to share many a joke about blind people too!! It is a bit challenging going out with him, however, especially since his guide dog* likes to bite people!!

*But this is an improvement on the last one he had, which went blind itself (he didn't realise, because obviously he's blind) and it led him into a road where he got knocked into a ditch. It transpired that the poor dog was almost completely sightless...

[giraffe]

I'm crying with laughter at that ! Talk about the blind leading the blind.

[Biscuit]

oh that is so funny and so wrong to laugh all at the same time.

[Bunnylump]

Well, being good friends, we all had a good laugh at his expense!!

[clvrlad]

unusual for me but i'm pasting an email i received here....
so how truthful who knows

> These are sentences actually typed by Medical Secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow
>
>
> 1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
> 2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
> 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight
> gain in the past three days.
> 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed
> last night.
> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
> 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
> 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
> 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
> 9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
> 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
> 12. She is numb from her toes down.
> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
> 14. The skin was moist and dry.
> 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
> 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
> 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
> 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
>
> 19. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
> 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
> 21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
> 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
> 23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
> 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
> 25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
> 26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
> 27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
> 28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel
> and crashed.
> 29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
> 30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early
> December.
> 31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen
> and I agree.
> 32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker
> instead.

[MBH]

I've seen them before but laughed at them again.

I think the majority (therefor probably all) are true. Simple typos (handwriting) errors [13,16,22], thoughtless combination of facts [8,9,26], and unfortunate double meanings - especially when taken out of context [4,24,31].

I still don't have a good 'original' for 25 What's that all about? Wonderful mental image though

As for 17 - I don't want to think too much about that one

[clvrlad]

well was thinking the stool color and size might be seperate to being able to walk in the corridor...
stool color can give clues to what the problem is :-p

[kathlyn]

I liked this one

> 26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities



Edit - Not that I've got any teenagers.

[LAT]

Yes I could relate to that one - it's not that long since mine left their teenage years behind.

[Bunnylump]

That was my favourite too!! Although I don't think it would really apply in my case, not because of the teenagers, but I'd be lying if I said I had no other abnormalities. The purple ears for one thing...

[gill216]

I think my abnormalities are not the teenagers- its the 30's

One well past it and one not far off. How did that happen when I wasn't looking- that is so scary when I write it down.

[Looby]

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

I think this must have been a well endowed young lady as breasts and pupils are quite difficult to confuse!!

[LAT]

I would also love to know what constitutes circus size (21)
Are we talking along the lines of clown's feet?

[fernando]

Very funny. Especially liked #15. Not so sure that I like #26 though being an abnormality

[clvrlad]

well if your admitting to it.....

[MBH]

I would also love to know what constitutes circus size (21)

I thought that was in honour of the current mag

As for number 20 - perhaps that was the result of the young doctor carrying out a TUBE.

Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination

[Redfraggle]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?'

And Paddy said,
' How da feck was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

[Bunnylump]

I'm not allowed to post a line of lols. But That made me snort!

[Wulfruna]

Test Your Brain
This is one for the oldies - and not so old......

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...



HOW MANY ?
ARE YOU SURE?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6-- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.


The reasoning behind is further down.


The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

[gill216]

I got 5- but confess I've seen it before