Post your jokes here!

[MBH]

Looking for something TOTALLY different, I came across this page of Musical Jargon. Thought it might be helpful for Kingsley and all the rest of the musical bods on here.

Musical jargon.

A Flat - A cheap residence
A Minor - Someone who digs coal
Alto - A person afraid of heights
Bach - The sound a dog makes
Bar - Place to buy a drink
Baroque - Penniless Blue
Note - £10 / £20
Chopin - What you have to do with firewood
Chorale - Place where horses hang out
Chords - Little bits of string or rope
Clarinet - Mr Net’s daughter Clari
Crotchet - A type of needlework
Cymbals - Little pictures that mean things
Da Capo - A type of coffee
Diatonic - A low fat drink
Fret - To get upset
Full Score - Ten out of ten
Lute - Lots of money
Lyre - Telling ‘Porky Pies’
Major Key - A general in the Korean army
Measure - Amount of alcohol
Midi - A small glass of beer
Mozart - Mosquito’s paintings
Opera - An American Talk Show Host
Pitch - The black stuff they put on roads
Sharp - Pointy
Sonata - Frank. . .’Ole Blue Eyes’
Staff - A big stick
Symphony - To feel sad for someone
Trombone - Attached to the thigh bone

[eirian]

[Bunnylump]

Just read these to my daughter. She says they are invaluable.
Here are a couple more I've thought of to add to your list...

Allegro - stilts
Baritone :Mr. White's keep fit regime
Cadenza - doesn't she work on Time Team?
Cavatina - she just LOVES her sparkling wine...
Clef - cook who's had one too many
Enharmonic interval - one of those brief periods when you get on with your spouse
Expressivo - ULTRA frothy coffee
Etude - a tune with a heavy cold
Gregorian Chant - Carlisle United's supporter song for Abbott or Harte
Homophony - pretends he's gay
Leading note - KORWICH
Nocturne - spilled vase
Orchestration - alternative to vasectomy
Pianissimo - uncomfortable ureter condition
Pizzicato - horsedrawn elf vehicle
Polytonality - tuneful parrot
Pulse...you'd need one of these to make the most of your rhythm
Portamento - The size of measure of fortified wine you SHOULD have had...
Recapitulation - ...What you do after having had the very large measure of fortified wine
Relative pitch - chatting up your husband's brother
Rondo - the do ron ron ron, the ron rondo?
Rubato - that blister's killing me!
Rhythm - Well, you've either got it or you haven't...may result in a raised pulse
Slur - The way you sing after ignoring advice on portamento
Tablature - the way music is written for druggie guitarists
Tenor - how much you have to pay him to shut up
Tremelo - the musical effect of trying to play when extremely nervous
Vibrato - That's not what you're supposed to use a horn for...
Waltz - Disney song

[MBH]

Thank you A couple of those made me wince

[kingsley]

very funny!

[Bunnylump]

A couple of those made me wince

My weird humour often has this effect on people...

[Laura]

Cadenza - doesn't she work on Time Team?

No - they sacked her for being too moody!!!

[Cenwulf]

A few more:

A capella - in the same way as the England football manager
Bass - type of fish
Forte - one more than 39
Largo - type of beer
Presto - tight shoe
Piano - ferry line
Samba - quite a watering hole
Tango - not as brown as you were on holiday
Xylophone - A wooden communication device

[kathlyn]

LIFE THOUGHTS



Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier! (so true)


Remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Ya just might want to pass this along....

[kathlyn]

The following is posted very low on my refrigerator door.


Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.


The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.


I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.


For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.


The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough..


Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:



TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:


(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.


Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't smoke or drink,

(7) don't want to wear your clothes,

( don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

[Wulfruna]

How to Clean the House

1. Open a new folder on your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete
Housework permanently?"

6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

7. Feel better?

[kathlyn]

love it Wulfruna

[Scurra]

Works for me.

[kingsley]

I'm assuming I can do the same with homework!

[Bunnylump]

Well, it's only fair...

[giraffe]

If only I'd known that was what to do with housework, I wouldn't have injured my hand.

[Wulfruna]

Works for me.

So I've noticed.......

[clvrlad]

lol family issues?

[clvrlad]

not so much a joke as a unbelievable advert.... its real btw....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZ89JaxqVgI

[kathlyn]

If you recieve an email from the department of health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu.
You can safely ignore it.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's just spam.