Post your jokes here!

[LAT]

Even my OH chuckled when I read him that.

[kathlyn]

A Fishy Story

An Irishman (or any other nationality you would prefer) takes his gold fish to the vet, and says its got epilepsy. The vet says " It looks fine to me".
Paddy says "You haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

[MBH]

Dog Diary vs. Cat Diary

Excerpts from a Dog's diary:

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Excerpts from a Cat's diary:

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time......


[For all you pet lovers out there]

[Bunnylump]

OK OK. So now I need a joke about a tortoise. Timmy the tortoise is now installed in my living room (long story). And he's TOTALLY freaking the cat out!! Don't think she's ever encountered a mobile stone before now...

[Bunnylump]

Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction from Mother Superior is that they must not get even
one drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint the
room in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock on the door.
"Who is there," calls out one of the Nuns. "
"The blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two Nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the
door.

"Nice boobs, sisters" remarks the man with a wry smile, "now,
where do you want these blinds?"

[clvrlad]

http://cdn.lulztruck.com/wp-content/upl ... idhare.jpg

Bunnylumps minions

[Bunnylump]

I'd need some lessons from my brother first...I'm about as good at fighting as I am at brain surgery... If I'm under physical attack my approach is either

1. Run away
or
2. Use my excessive weight to push them over and then sit on them until help arrives...

[giraffe]

http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/signs.txt

[Bunnylump]

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Now THAT sounds like my kind of weekend...

[LAT]

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

Sounds pretty good too.

Next PB meet, Paris or Rome anyone?

[clvrlad]

Next PB meet, Paris or Rome anyone?

as soon as you organise it

[clvrlad]

how to feel old in one easy click


click here

[MBH]

Yep - That worked

[Bunnylump]

Nah, you're not OLD MBH, you're EXPERIENCED. There is a difference. Well, that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

[giraffe]

Not a joke as such, but very amusing....


The Darwin 's are out!!!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $50 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $50 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $29. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[giraffe]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

****************************

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..

****************************
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the toy shop.
****************************

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

****************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
****************************

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..

****************************

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,
but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

****************************

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

****************************


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

****************************



Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

[LAT]

Oh dear! Some of those are truly dreadful!

[MBH]

LOL - and some of them are perfectly reasonable - the 5 dots, the @ symbol. I keep tellling people that not knowing something is NOT 'being stupid'. [Although I think the friend passing on screen savers could have been more of a friend ]

As for the first one..... [Voice=rough] I read a book once.... Green it was [/Voice]

[Bunnylump]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

That sort of reminds me of the time my car broke down, blocking the work car park exit/ entrance. I rang the AA from the office (I didn't have a mobile phone then). They asked me what my car registration was. I couldn't remember. They asked me what make / model the car was. I wasn't sure. The next question was rather below the belt, I thought..."Well, madam, would it be too much trouble to ask you if you know what COLOUR your car is?"

[MBH]

For reasons I won't bore you with, I was looking into the ORLY (Oh Really) catchphrase usuallly represented by an owl. I found this and it hit a number of my geeky-funny-bones