monday morning smile

[tricia]

These were sent to me by email - laughed till i cried

Answers to exam questions

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...........and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[chazzie]

Thanks Tricia - that's made my day

[kathlyn]

Brilliant

[clvrlad]

what they all seem sensible answers to me


judicious is especially good
not only did they turn intending to fail they had fun doing it

[giraffe]

Thanks for that, tears streaming down my face.

[Looby]

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

That sounds perfectly reasonable to me

[Bunnylump]

That's just what I was thinking. Also, although it's not right, this one
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

at least they obviously sort of understood transpiration...

Some of the others were very funny, though. But did you think some of them were DELIBERATELY funny? I have known kids to do that when they don't know an answer "just so the examiner gets a good laugh"!!!! I remember writing on my O level geography paper "I have about 30 seconds to tell you hope the fact I've JUST realised I've spent 30 minutes describing land use on the wrong half of the map gave you a chance for a good hearty sadistic laugh."

[MBH]

Laughing (again) at these, and showing them to visitors - so I then decided to see what else is out there. Found this link on the 'Funny Pages', and they do look like scans of actual exam papers. There's even an El Nino link for one of our members

http://www.doheth.co.uk/funny/exam-answers

[fernando]

These made me laugh too. I especially like the one where it says expand.

[clvrlad]

the last one is good too

[kathlyn]

did some of the writing on those exam papers seem the same to anyone?

[giraffe]

Yes, the handwriting was the same on several of them, but it's possible that one person was writing deliberately stupid comments on all their exams

[clvrlad]

its also possible that some one recreated them all

[Bunnylump]

OK I admit it. It was me.



Not really...

[MBH]

I think 'Peter' was mentioned by name on a few of them - I think he was looking the totally screw up an exam and we were treat to a few examples of his 'humour'.