Christmas Carols.

[giraffe]

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed

That's enough ..... quick .... call the Social Services.

[MBH]

Thank you - these gave me a laugh [Mostly because they cut too close to truth ]

[Scurra]

Once upon a time I did something similar to this. The only bit I can remember went:

Love came down at Christmas
Love all lovely, love divine.
Love came down at Christmas
But I really wanted a Nintendo.

[Bunnylump]

I think that pretty much sums up the spirit of Christmas...

Bah humbug, mutter...Christmas...mutter.

[Wulfruna]

Good King Wenceslas looked out.....
"Bah! Snowing!" he said, "Can't see a thing out there"
...and went back to bed.

[Bunnylump]

...and he saw the pizza there too, don't forget.

(Deep pan, crisp and even)

[Wulfruna]

I was saving that one for later.....

[SparkOut]

Pizza is sometimes OK cold, but if I were you, I wouldn't save it and just eat it nice and hot, straight from the oven.

[clvrlad]

i quiet like cold pizza....

my mate likes cold parmos........
(i think at least two forum members will know them )

[Bunnylump]

Parmos?

And as for eating pizza "nice and hot" how glorified cheese on toast be particularly NICE? (Although I do eat it, just because it's easy, just don't really see the POINT of it...obviously OKW saw something in it that I don't! )

On a different note...(excusing the pun)
My daughter has been helping with the choir at her school. One of the songs they are doing is Gabriel's message aka "most highly favoured lady". When my Mum was in the choir, she always used to sing "most highly FLAVOURED lady. K made the mistake of mentioning this to the kids, who, of course now all SING "Most highly flavoured lady" in the actual song. I REALLY hope they don't do that at the carol concert at the church tomorrow!!

[eirian]

we ALWAYS sang highly flavoured lady. In fact, I still do...

[Wulfruna]

Not too mention that the highly flavoured lady seems to be called Gloria....
I always wondered where she fitted into the story....

[lilsis]

i quiet like cold pizza....

my mate likes cold parmos........
(i think at least two forum members will know them )

GMaal learned just last week what a parmo was. And has been going on ever since about how much he wants to try one.
We discovered they sell them at the local butchers, which makes them seem far more up-market than from the kebab van

[tricia]

clvrlad wrote:
i quiet like cold pizza....

my mate likes cold parmos........
(i think at least two forum members will know them )


What on earth are parmo's - hot or cold

Tricia

[Bunnylump]

I was wondering that!!

Now, I want you to all sit down and take a stiff drink. I've just got back from THE CHURCH. (NOT somewhere I'm normally to be found!!) Went to see my daughter's school Carol concert at the nice big traditional church in Tring. It was actually really sweet! I even put up with the out of tune violins and guitars playing one bar behind the rest of them and the dreaded recorders!! The choir were really good though (which is what she's been involved in). Sadly, I did TRY to sing along but they were all about an octave too high for me!!

[eirian]

Sadly, I did TRY to sing along but they were all about an octave too high for me!!

Then sing an octave lower! Sheesh!

[Bunnylump]

I did try that. I have a pretty rubbish range. The kids were very sweet though.

[clvrlad]

What on earth are parmo's - hot or cold

Tricia

http://parmos.co.uk/

dont say you werent warned on the cholesterol content...
btw most takeaways use chicken instead of pork

[tricia]

I think I shall give the parmo a miss - its lethal

Tricia

[giraffe]

That looks revolting!