Swearing at Work!

[dcfanjo]

Staff Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.



1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se- hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

14.
Try Saying:
I don't think it was supposed to turn out like that
Instead Of:
I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then

15
Try Saying:
Sorry - I didn't quite catch that
Instead Of:
What the f**k are you wittering on about this time ?

16
Try Saying
Do you really think so ?
Instead Of:
No sh*t Sherlock

17
Try Saying:
Do you think that's appropriate work wear for the office ?
Instead Of
Have you seen the f**king state of that ?

18
Try Saying:
There is a cleaner required in the lavatories
Instead Of:
I'd give that a while

19
Try Saying:
He's / she's quite attractive
Instead Of:
I'd do it

20
Try Saying:
He does have a tendency to procrastinate
Instead Of:
He's so f**king boring, I am losing the will to live

21
Try Saying:
It's so nice to be in a busy office environment
Instead Of:
Why don't you all just shut the f**k up

[kathlyn]

brilliant, tears in my eyes.

[Bunnylump]

I must try some of them! (The swearing ones I mean, obviously) I've never heard I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then . I love that phrase!

[Scurra]

Well that's because it's only said after you've just left...

[Bunnylump]

Who're you calling a fairy?

[giraffe]

[eirian]

well, I can safely say that at my work, the fairy has been hard at work. We've got that downadup virus and it means that, basically, if you want to do anything at all, you can't! Well, most people can't anyway, I'm sitting there smugly getting my work done, because I actually back stuff up on my C Drive, so, despite not having access to the network, or email, I've just plugged the network printer, via USB into my own machine, and suddenly I'm about the only person in the section who's able to continue working, more or less normally. Of course, the fact that I've also backed up everyone else's docs means that I keep getting interrupted to do everyone else's work as well does put a bit of a dent into my smugness, but I've never been so popular!

What I love is that it's taken several weeks of seriously lagging networks before they actually called in the Microsoft engineers to help. Meanwhile, our servers have started crashing because of the virus activity, hence most people only seem to get either the network drives, email or the printer, but never all 3 and often none at all (like me today). I really wouldn't like to be in the IT dept at the moment.

You can imagine that the language is rather choice at times!

[Scurra]

Yeah, IT support guys are rubbish, aren't they?

Think of it this way (rather generalised but not wholly inaccurate.)

90% of problems are routine. They can be solved often in a minute or two.
90% of the remaining problems aren't really tricky, but they are tedious. They are typically quite boring to solve.
And the remaining 1% are the doozies. They are the ones that take hours, require specialist knowledge and are, frankly, a pain in the behind. (And a little too often, it's not dealing with one of the second category of problems that ends up turning into one of these!)

Now the "expert" (in almost any field!) likes to make out that those first 90% are actually part of that last 1% ("sucks in through teeth - "phewww, this is a tough one"). Meanwhile they will also tend to do anything possible to avoid actually having to deal with one of the 1% problems, because the return is simply not worth the effort. And the result is that sometimes something that might have been easy to fix if it had been addressed soon enough turns into a total nightmare for everyone...

[LAT]

That sounds like a bundle of fun eirian. Hope it gets resolved soon, I find it so frustrating when I can't get on with my work through no fault of my own. Our main server is in Memphis so there is also a time problem when things go wrong for us which means I can lose half a day waiting for someone to get in to work there.

[SparkOut]

We...e.e.e.e..e.e.e.e..e.e.e.e.e..e.eeeellllllllllllll, I'd bet a lot of the problem stems from the IT dept deciding that they really need some investment in "decent" protection systems (antivirus, gateway content filtration systems etc) and having been told they have to make do with the funds/systems already at their disposal.
Now having had a major problem, the required resources may be made available (or alternatively, someone sacked or reprimanded, because it's his/her/their job to have prevented this sort of "disaster" in the first place) but then of course having fixed and invested, there will be the perception that "everything now works, why are you just twiddling your thumbs?"

[Scurra]

(Not that I'm bitter or anything, but I've lost two jobs largely because of that perception It's quite tough doing a job that should be about preventing worse problems from happening and then, when they don't, looking bad at your "annual appraisal"...)

[SparkOut]

I sympathise with that, hence the comment in the first place. "IT" being so hard to measure, it's only a "black art" and "it costs so much"... yeah... but saves you £xxxxxxxxx annually.

[Bunnylump]

Annual appraisals? What are they? I've been working in the same place for 9 years and have had one (3 years ago). And when I had that my boss spent the whole time telling me how much the person before me had upset her. The last IT man we had was brilliant, but got blamed for everything, despite working all through the summer holidays to try to fix problems which were none of his creation. Eventually he left and got a much better paid job elsewhere.

Our present IT men (we needed 2 to cope with all the work the last one had been doing, uncomplaining, all those years) are both lovely, but much maligned. Mind you, it's surprising how often my department's computers get sorted out first. Probably because I'm nice to them! (What a creep!)

[MBH]

but saves you £xxxxxxxxx annually.

If I could find a good mathematical way to prove that to accountants, I might actually get my business off the ground When you try to explain you always end up sounding like you scare-mongering.

[eirian]

I'd bet a lot of the problem stems from the IT dept deciding that they really need some investment in "decent" protection systems (antivirus, gateway content filtration systems etc) and having been told they have to make do with the funds/systems already at their disposal.
Now having had a major problem, the required resources may be made available (or alternatively, someone sacked or reprimanded, because it's his/her/their job to have prevented this sort of "disaster" in the first place) but then of course having fixed and invested, there will be the perception that "everything now works, why are you just twiddling your thumbs?"

Yep, that's about it - this is Local Government after all - why spend more money on a decent system, when you can spend less on one that sounds good? I bet the committee buying the new Antivirus didn't have any IT people on it.
They initially blamed the lag on getting a new antivirus software and then the outside firm who installed it, didn't do it properly (so there was basically no protection - but they didn't tell us that at the time, just said it was causing 'network issues'). What annoyed our department's IT people was that they were quietly going round everyone's machines manually fixing the faulty install, but were told to stop as it was going to be done centrally. The central fix didn't work and now engineers are having to go round everyone's pcs individually. If they'd let our Depts IT people do it.....
We just love the way that one of the top people in the Council has been delegated to solve it - but he has absolutely no IT experience/knowledge whatsoever. Just what they need, another manager!!!

[SparkOut]

It isn't, um, a McAfee AV installation is it?

[SparkOut]

A slight tangent (well, from recent posts anyway - a great fork from the original thread topic!) but...
a sign (well, a piece of paper with writing on) that used to be on the wall where I used to work:

IT stands for Information Technology.

If you don't give us any Information,
how can we give you any Technology?

[brian]

Eirian
Please don't tell me you work for Salford LA -- it really really sounds like it!!

[eirian]

Eirian
Please don't tell me you work for Salford LA -- it really really sounds like it!!

Manchester actually, but it wouldn't suprise me if Salford have the virus as well - I know it's not just us.

I love the way that IT keep sending email updates round saying "yes, we know that you can't see any difference and things are still not working, but we are getting somewhere and it will be fixed soon" or words to that effect.
I don't think many believe them though - although I do assure people that they are probably telling the truth.
(at least I'm reliably informed they are sending these emails round- only 2 out of 10 in our office can access their emails).

[Scurra]

I once got a fax which said at the bottom "if any part of this fax is unreadable, please contact...." and that bit was unreadable.